Oakley's new 400,000 square foot uber complex in Irvine, California.

I Got a Golden Ticket
Now don't get me wrong, I'm no V.I.P., big cheese, bro-brah, industry player. But it does take more than a simple knock on Oakley's front door to gain access to this high security fortress. It took a golden ticket to see the inside of Willy Wonkas place--so why should the Oakley factory be any different? Bottom line is you need to know a well placed employee to see the goods coming off the assembly line. Luckily, I did.

First the vitals of the company: Oakley was founded in 1975 by Jim Jannard. He took the company public in August of 1995. Oakley operates a second plant in Dayton, Nevada which only produces the X-metal line at this time.

Just how big is the new Oakley facility? How about 400,000 square feet. Big enough to house the 500-700 employees, depending on the season. The front lobby, (which is accessible to anyone looking for a warranty fix), looks like a cross between a industrial revolution steel factory and the Imperial Death Star from Star Wars. An expansive steel works chamber wraps around the room from above.

The lobby is surrounded on the back half by doors opening off the front lobby like a bad dream of "Lets Make a Deal." The front section of the hulking mass is loaded with corporate offices. The sports marketing department, advertising, legal, (smaller than I expected), and the offices of the big players- namely President Jim Jannard, and his right hand man, CEO Mike Parnell. I didn't see the inside, but the Oval office in the White House has nothing on President Jannard's digs.

The office section of the building has not taken on much of a personality yet, but I was assured by many that it wouldn't take long until the new surroundings began to buzz with creativity and all the kinetic energy that the Oakley crew can manufacture on any given day.

Meat & Potatoes
Quite possibly the biggest bonus of the new joint is the regulation, glass backboard equipped Basketball court complete with Oakley icon painted on the floor at half court. It's a thing of beauty! Now when Michael Jordan pops in for a Board of Directors meeting he can take on the entire sports marketing department in a friendly little game of one on 20. And when the jam session is complete employees shower up in the locker room and can walk across the hall to Cafe Oakley. This is no high school cafeteria, the menu rotates, and even the most finicky eater can find a decent grind.

The food and sport court aren't all. More than 75 percent of the place is dedicated to a huge warehouse and the various manufacturing departments. Oakley should have people sign some type of waiver, similar to the one that Charlie Bucket and his Grandpa inked before Willy Wonka let them in to his factory. Much of what you see in the manufacturing area is next to impossible to describe unless you have a Technical Engineering degree from M.I.T. or your name happens to be C-3PO.

Imagine combining the aforementioned chocolate factory with NASA, Dr. Frankenstein's lab, and the automation of the genetic lab in Jurassic Park. There are machines at Oakley that are more complicated than the one that spit out the ever-lasting gob-stopper.

Our guide told us that most of Oakley's equipment is patented for them and the warranty is usually voided immediately because of all the tinkering that is done on them by Oakley technicians to make it just right. I think there could be a genetic link between the creators at Oakley and that Doctor that created "Flubber".

I was able to watch lenses being cut by computer, lenses getting a laser etched insignia, and the most amazing process to paint a sunglass frame that you have ever seen. Again I could attempt to describe it to you, but my description would surely pale in comparison to the actual process. I was continually blown away by the lengths to which Oakley goes to get it, "just right".

Each station is run with clock like precision, and I can honestly say that each pair of Oakleys gets not only one hand inspection, but numerous once overs.

The final room was the tour's most entertaining. The area should be called the torture chamber. It's where bad sunglasses are taken, but they are never seen again. Not only do the competitors glasses get abused, but even straight-from-the- production-line Oakleys get worked over. Anything short of having T-Rex bite your head off is simulated here. Even things that will never come into contact with your face are sent hurling with high velocity toward these guinea pig shades.

The Technician who runs the tests was another one of those "U of O" grads. I think she graduated with honors, because she seemed to know everything there is to know about optics, light bending, prisms, safety standards, and sunglass destruction.

This was also where Oakley puts its shades through the wringer with a battery of lens quality and safety tests. Quick bit of advice, if you're partial to your shades, and they're not Oakleys or a welders shield, don't volunteer them for the "dropping of the two pound steel spike into the eye test. You might not like the results and you will surely be out a pair of designer shades. Try getting a warranty fix for that little stunt?

This Is The End
After nearly two hours of Sunglass 101-Honors, it was time to ride off into the sunset, hopefully with a quality lens to protect my eyes from that big ball of flames. No samples are given out at the end of the tour, but I started thinking that maybe those old Frogskins that I bought back in 89 might not be so out of date after all. At least I know where they came from, and have a much greater appreciation for those mad scientists over at Oakley.