There have been numerous occasions when people make a complete mockery of our actions stemming from the belief: "What do those guys know, they’re just Interns‘?" Well folks, that’s correct; there is no hiding the fact that yes, we are indeed interns. But in turn (no pun intended), our current duties will reap rewards if real employment calls our name (where our futile, often monotonous efforts will be handsomely compensated). And let us tell you, that day better not be far from now. Do you know how boring it becomes to rip apart idiotic letters on a monthly basis? We might as well respond to every letter with, "Hey moron, why don’t you take a long walk into the woods and swallow some shit?" That would be a real hoot, wouldn’t it? Damn, just thinking about it makes us giggle. The mere thought of you actually walking in the woods and swallowing some poo is absolutely hysterical. Hah! How’s that for shit talking? But realistically, the aforementioned phrase, "What do they know … " would probably enter your brain and stop your body from performing such a ridiculous act.

As previously stated, it’s obvious people don’t act on what we say, but let’s put the nagging question to rest–what do we know? Well, we have a pretty firm grip on something called music and how people love its presence. People also love musicians. In fact, certain individuals lose complete bodily control when their favorite rock star recites their lyrics into a microphone. Think we’re wrong about this? What about the stardom of Vanilla Ice, that shaved-eyebrow nimrod with a flavor for cheese? That’s right, your sorry ass probably paid 45 dollars to see him live (in full glory) and yap about car engines containing a cylinder rating of 5.0. Wow, you must’ve felt really stupid after that one!

So, with that stated, we’ve decided our responses might be appreciated if we camouflage them with annoying but "meaningful" song lyrics. And hopefully, you’ll see a line from your favorite tune. Then maybe, just maybe, you’ll realize our worthiness and promote us into a higher skilled position where our Intern‘ status can be left far behind, like, uh, say, dust in the wind. Hey people, did you catch that "Dust In The Wind" lyric? Those were our first words of wisdom. And who else, but the legendary Kansas, could have helped us out with that? Rock on!

You talk like you know it all. Well then, how do we get advice when the "99 percent of the time" fails? What about that one percent when we really want to learn how to do a switch-tail-snatcher, and no one will tell us the correct method. Speaking of methods, do you know how to do them? It sounds like you’ve been meeting a lot of professionals, and every pro likes to milk the method. Speaking of pros, we must warn you about their manipulative skills when it comes to hanging around females. Just think of that famous song you hear during the holiday season, "Santa Claus is coming to town … HO! HO! HO!"

How do you think the phrase "cigarette butts" got started? Cigarettes don’t look anything like a butt, and it seems kind of kinky to use such a word to describe something you just finished smoking. Personally, we’re sick of it. We should "stomp out this nonsense," and single-handedly squeeze the anus of anyone using the word butt to describe a cancer stick. As for the litter, well, have you ever heard of the Grateful Dead (actually, we bet our butts you’re a hippie, so that’s a pretty stupid question)? Anyway, as the butt-smoking Jerry Garcia used to sing, "Every silver lining’s got a touch of gray … " That about explains it.

Ever since you told us to, we’ve been on our toes. Although it seems rather harmless, our doctor tells us if we continue to stay on our toes, we’ll develop asymmetry of the spine. Over time, our backs will radically twist and bend the nerve endings. This will cause uncontrollable spasms and severe aches on the surrounding bones. All of this, because some editor overlooked a couple "I"s in snowboarding. Well Jason, here’s your "I"s. First one, "I Love Rock ’N’ Roll" (Joan Jett). Second one, "I Love Rocky Road" (Weird Al Yankovich doing Joan Jett). Hey Jay, we know what you’re thinking, you’d do Joan Jett, too!

How’d you know the shit who stole your magazine was little. It could have been a huge shit. It could have been so huge that upon seeing it’s gigantic appearance, you would have backed off and let the huge shit go ahead and steal your magazine. Then you and your buddies would have gone back to the party and told the chicks the story about the huge shit who stole your magazine. And, when your dad finally questions the broken window in his new van, you’d respond with, "Dad, I swear, it was the hugest shit I’ve ever seen!" Skeptical about your response, and assuming his child is thoroughly hungover, he’d take a step into the van and respond with a line from his favorite Nirvana song, "Smells like teen spirit … "

Mr. Postman, look and see. If there’s a letter, a letter for weee. Mr. Postmaaan. Send in your favorite line of lyrics and prove to us just how much you know. The Angry Interns™, 353 Airport Road, Oceanside, CA 92054. Or try and jack up our fax paper bill at (760) 722-0653. For the computer-literates, e-mail: [email protected].