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Angry Interns 13#7
February 9, 2000
Angry Interns 13#7 In the past, we’ve dedicated an absurdly large space to introducing this column. These opening paragraphs have been a place where we, The Angry Interns
All right, listen here TransWorld, I’m mad. Not because skiers ride in my park, or because there are advertisements in your magazine. I’m not mad because I think I’m good but no one will sponsor me, I’m not mad because I’ll never win any of your contests, and I’m not mad because my local hill sucks the big one. I’m mad because ten weeks ago, I sent you guys a money order for sixteen dollars and expected to receive my T-shirt after two to three weeks. It’s been ten weeks, and you guys haven’t even acknowledged my order (that’s a damn long time). Anyway, I’m hoping this letter might speed up the delivery and maybe you could put in some extras for the delay.
Tony Dubroy
What exactly is this "big one" you talk about, and why does your local hill "suck it"? Maybe "it" is an electric bill–everyone knows that mountain resorts require a lot of energy, and we’re sure your hill is no different than anybody else’s. Hence, it obviously "sucks the big one." Please tell us if we’re wrong; we’re pretty sure we’re correct. On another note, why is your e-mail name Red Lobster? Wait, don’t answer that, because we once again know the answer: You’re the moron who still wears those red lobster-claw mittens, right? And you wonder why you never got sponsored. Try the Shrimp Glove–that’s what all the pros use.
Recently, I was riding my local resort with two friends, John and Scott. We went down a run known for nice cliffs, and ended up finding one. We didn’t see tracks going off it, didn’t know how tall it was or if the landing was good, so we sent John to see. He yelled it was good, so I pointed it. The cliff was about 30 feet tall, and when I landed, I hit a huge rock and snapped my board. Not only did the core break, but also one of the edges blew out. Of course, Scott and John left me, and I had to walk alone to the mountain lodge, which wasn’t fun or short. Because of this, I’ll now have to ski (although I don’t like to anymore). The worst part is there’s a contest next weekend, and I’ll have no board to enter.
Bryan Guy
Missoula, Montana
When working for a prestigious snowboard magazine, there are tedious tasks that interns must fulfill. For example, I am frequently called upon to file miscellaneous clutter like editorial submissions or assorted pictures. Oftentimes, when doing such tedious labor, I have trouble locating names and/or categories in the existing file cabinets. To help resolve my problem and reduce unnecessary confusion, I have been known to ask the working brain of a "real" employee if the files are indeed alphabetized. "Yes, you idiot," or, "Of course they are, you moron," are examples of their condescending replies, yet when I investigate further and notice the word "Newton" filed before "Buttocks," I know who the real moron is.
Well Bryan, as you can see, sometimes it’s best to trust your own judgment. The cronies you willingly trust are often the biggest schmucks of all. Not to say that your buddy John is a real dipshit, but you become the village idiot if you continue to rely on his foolish knowledge.
I was wondering if there’s any good and cheap apparel out there. I live twenty minutes from the nearest town, and I’m only twelve (meaning I have little transportation). The town only has one snowboard shop, so I can’t exactly hunt for bargains. Also, it all seems so expensive! I was wondering (again), could you help me out (companies’ names, catalogs, numbers, addresses, or TransWorld hand-me-downs)? Please! Also, free stuff would really be nice. So please answer, even just one of the things I requested would be really awesome!
Matt Marshall
Canada
Wow, you’re in a real bind! Where are you going to find some good and cheap apparel in the middle of nowhere? We could probably get you some good apparel or some cheap apparel, but good and cheap is absolutely ridiculous! To prove our point, let’s take the popular candy product, Good and Plenty. It’s good, and there’s plenty of it, but it’s not cheap. If it was cheap, it might be called Good and Plenty and Cheap, but we’re sure the marketing department wouldn’t like that. See Matt, no one wants to be cheap. Inexpensive, yes–cheap, no. So, if your looking for some good and inexpensive apparel, then we can help you out (we’ll disregard the power of your twelve-year-old brain and its unrefined vocabulary). Basically, you need to wear socks and underwear as if you’re going to school, but cover your legs with jeans, and wear a sweatshirt that reads, "I’m A Washed-Up Mogul Skier." That’s the look of someone who desires good and inexpensive apparel. In addition, why don’t you e-mail Red Lobster and request sponsorship from his line of seafood mittens?
I’m a veteran snowboarder of six years, and during this time, while looking through and reading your magazine, I’ve noticed there’re not many pictures of girls snowboarding. The pictures of guys far exceed the pictures of girls, and when girls are shown with their boards, they usually aren’t snowboarding. Yes, I know there are many more killer guy riders than girls, but those women rockin’ on the hill need to be recognized.
In the past I think your magazine has done an excellent job on articles about women. Women such as Victoria Jealouse, Barrett Christy, Michele Taggart, and Shannon Dunn have stood up for the female side, and more importantly, stand up even after they crash big. These are just a few ladies who truly rip it up on a board, but many more are out there. The consensus is unanimous with people I’ve talked with: girls are learning how to rip it up on the hill, and some are just downright hardcore. I would be more than glad to submit pictures of my girls and I doing what we do best–kicking ass on the hill!
Erin, Alicia, and Paul
First off, how do you expect to see TransWorld’s numerous female snowboarding pictures if you continue to "look through" the magazine. Try looking at, or staring down its pages–then maybe, you’ll see some ladies "ripping on the hill."
Also, I noticed three people composed this letter, which leaves me wondering, is Paul a guy? And if he is, why is he so concerned about the presence of female riders in this magazine? Hey Paul, why don’t you go on down to a high school locker room and acquaint yourself with some big, buff men changing into their football jerseys? These are the type of people you need to bro down with. You can free your mind of sidecuts, step-ins, and snatcher grabs, and begin to talk about offense, defense, wide receivers, and other macho-type crap. Furthermore, you and your buddies could write into a football magazine and complain about all types of stupid shit, like why football players have to wear ridiculous spandex knickers, when the cheerleaders have much more flattering uniforms consisting of knit skirts and lace panties.
I live fifteen minutes from a good resort, Sunday River. I’ve got a good board, a pass, and boots, but two things are missing: boarding pants and a boarding jacket. So, if there are any nice people out there, please show some respect and give me them! I’ll praise you for the rest of my life.
Jenna Hardy
Bethal, Maine
Any day now, your parents will send you on a trip far, far away. This day will arrive when they bring you to an airport, and tell you things like, "Don’t worry, honey, you’ll be okay in the loony bin." But don’t be frightened; this is a good thing. After they kiss you good-bye and walk away, take your boarding pass to the nearest snowboard shop. Depending on its net worth, you’ll be able to exchange it for boarding pants and a boarding jacket. Get it, Jenna? A boarding pass is worth some boarding pants/jacket? Yeah, we know it’s stupid, but that’s what you get for writing such a dumb letter.
The Angry Interns™ receive their mail at: 353 Airport Road, Oceanside, CA 92054. Or fax them at: (760) 722-0653. For the computer-literate, e-mail: [email protected].
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