November 1, 1998

It's purgatory month-it's not summer anymore, but it's not snowing yet. But then again, maybe it is. Word on the street is that this winter's going to be the sickest one yet. We can't tell you where, though, 'cause then you'll all move there, crowd the lift lines, snake all the powder wigglies, and get the locals pissed at us. Or you'll move there with stars in your eyes, and we'll be wrong, it'll suck, and then you'll write us snitty letters-and we get enough of those-so we'll stick to the news instead.

While filming for his part with Fall Line Films at Mammoth last June, the mouth of Santa Cruz's Darren Cingel made sweet love with his knee-giving birth to little pieces of white teeth. Darren's as tough as they come, though, and is well past recovered by now-flip to his Check Out this issue. Congrats go out to Jim and Bonnie Zellers who had a bouncing baby boy on July 27. If ever there was a candidate for "super-grom of the future," surely it is him.

Who says snowboarders now are all art fags and vegans? This summer, Shawn Sterken went to the Nude Bowl for a friend's birthday party, and while his knee injury kept him from skating, it apparently didn't curb his drinkin'. Shawn allegedly passed out, fell victim to random body graffiti, made out with a girl (while rolling in broken glass), and then retired to the passenger seat of a car. He became sleepy-the only thing keeping him from lying down into two-seated slumber was a pesky handbrake, which he promptly lowered. The car rolled back into a van of people partying. Nobody was hurt in the occurrences.

In other non-injury-related car-accident news, Bryan Iguchi had a little trouble remembering which side of the road you drive on in New Zealand this past July. Thankfully, he's okay. No word yet on the rental he was navigating at the time. Meanwhile, across the globe, in Grenoble, France, Finnish Mafia members, Joni Makinen, his brother Mika, and Keijo Leppala coaxed a bear up onto the hood of their rental car in a Safari Park they were driving through, and it broke their side mirror and tried to make away with their windshield wiper. Pictures of the incident, plus of two bears brawling next to the open window of their car, have been promised for an upcoming edition of Yellow Sno. Joni, Keke, and Pasi Voho have been traveling around Europe together for a few months. They say there's an empty concrete skatepark in Sattel, Switzerland. If you're ever in the area and are bored (which you will be because there's nothing there), check it out.

In corporate news, Luke Edgar is looking at resurrecting Tim Pogue's old mentioned-in-every-Tiny-Type title. Todd Sarandos has retired as Rossignol's team manager. He and his girlfriend are relocating outside the snowboard industry, somewhere on the California coast. Conrats, Todd. You will be missed. Longtime Team Manager Paul Ferrel has become Mervin's new marketing development manager. Besides being a once and future Baker Banked Slalom champion and erstwhile Olympic videographer, Paul's favorite color is blue. Mack Dawg talent-coordinator Liberty O'Toole is taking over Mervin's team duties. The juggernaut company is pursuing a skateboard option, probably named after the Lib Tech brand instead of Mike Olson's old idea, Dead Tree Skateboards. And if you were wondering about Mervin's "#1 In The Olympics!" claim-their Port Angeles, Washington factory is in the closest city to Hurricane Ridge on the Olympic Peninsula. So they're "number-one in the Olympics!" Get it? But what's up with Gnu's serious-guy ads? Yeah, that's right. You heard us, Libsilver ad ninjas. Polo Sport called and said they wanted their ad campaign back. Your snowboarders are very good. Plus, they're good looking, and they take good pictures. But nothing can top the full-wrap metal edge or the Gnu Jester Hat ads-except another comedy Gnu ad.

Leave it to Vice President Rob Morrow to break the strange string of motocross mishaps that have befallen the clan of Salem, most often at his personal track: First, Neil Morrow had to have his spleen removed after a crash. Next, Northwest rep Gary Bracelin blew his shoulder out. Then Creative Director Trevor Graves broke his ankle. In related injury, Monster Backside Photo Editor Helmut landed on his helmet and broke it in half, receiving a concussion. And Michele Taggart ejected at the Sandy track and popped her leg out of the hip socket (it went back in during the ambulance ride). Finally Robbie had enough and decided to take matters into his own hand by trying to backflip over a beach-party fire. He landed on that hand and received third-degree burns, which later swelled into a blister the size of a Twinkie. Nothing broken, except hopefully this murderous cycle.

Mt. Hood's hometown paper did a credible write-up of the Timberland Gorge Games big air (K2's Cory Smith took it for the men, Airwalk's Jacqui Berg took the ladies' division) but let the inventor of the "Kyte-board" hype his kite-driven mountain board as having the potential to be as popular as snowboarding. Yeah, right. Next thing you know, it'll be in the Olympics. Volkswagen renewed a contract with K2. The car company will outfit the company with a fleet of vans, but is so focused on its new Beetle campaign that there won't be any more snowboard-in-every-Jetta deals.

K2's also been pimping out some of their pro team to model Jockey underwear (or maybe it was Calvin Klein), but only members from the Republic of "Bulge-aria." Ever wonder what Travis Parker, Timmy Ostler, Brian Savard, Cory Smith, and Tina Dixon look like without clothes? Well, now you can check 'em out in New York's Times Square, gracing the front of the World's Most Visible Billboard with nothing but their skivvies and their snowboards. (For those of you who don't live in New York, that's the billboard they flash to at the beginning of every David Letterman show.) Not to be outdone, Tommy Hilfiger flew Santa Cruz rider Arlie Carstens to New York to model suits (not snowboard suits) for a Hilfiger coffee-table book.

Fresh off the press wire: "Gen-X holdings Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of Global Sports Inc. (Nasdaq-GSPT) announced the acquisition of Lamar Snowboards." Bert's still in the company, according to the release, only now he's part of a "management team" headed by Jamie Salter (former Ride CEO). Also off the press wire, though maybe not so recently: "On April 20, Tammy McMinn and Jennifer Huges, two San Francisco businesswomen ... broke the world heli-skiing record [on a snowboard and skis, respectively]." They rode 3,025 feet, approximately 101 runs, in fourteen hours and 50 minutes. Must have been ... fun? And be sure to catch Invert '98, the first consumer show featuring, "anything vertical and radical" going down at the Anaheim Convention Center this November. In Microsoft Word (on a PC), type the following phrase: "I'd like to see you naked." Then run a spell check.

This next piece goes out to all who have ever written in about those scantily clad Reef girls you always ask to see more of. San Diego native and Reef model Vanessa Gleason was featured in Playboy as this year's Miss September. The nineteen-year-old Vanessa stated that her turn ons include: nice tans, confidence, honesty, skinny-dipping in the ocean, and sex on the beach. So now you know, geekboy. Get a tan, don't be shy, and quit all that lying, and you may land yourself a Reef girl yet. Or maybe not. Also, contrary to what you may have heard or seen, Willie Nelson doesn't snowboard. He writes great American music. That being said, let me get the keyboard back from Lucas so we can announce that:

Jesse Loomis has left the building. "This place stinks!" the raging hippie yelled as he and his future-wife Zoe burned rubber out of TransWord headquarters in Southern California and floored his '64 VW Beetle back to Vermont-Phish bootlegs a-blarin'. Jesse has decided to forgo a promising career as assistant photo editor here at TWS in order to pursue his dream of snowboarding without industry pressures and a 200-pound backpack. (Jesse didn't really yell anything when he left, we're just testing to see if he misses us.)

Rumor has it the Old Tiny Bastard was spotted mountain-biking somewhere near Vail. If you run into him, tell him the New Tiny Biznach wants him to take his column back. Or at least send us news from Colorado.

Seans: Johnson and Kearns enlisted Whitey to help film a special Hollywood-type segment for the new Whiskey video, The Party's Over. Kearns picked Whitey up in Washington and was routinely stopped upon returning to the Canadian border checkpoint. The police quickly realized Kearns had a warrant out for his arrest from past parking tickets and placed him into a police car. At the same time, Canadian officials told Whitey that they didn't want him in their country because of his past wrongdoings. Kearns was soon let out of the police car, but Whitey was returned to the U.S. However, after some deliberation and a few cold ones, Whitey decided he would run over the border-this time bandito-style through the woods. He wasn't quick enough to outwit the Canadian border officials, though, who chased him down in armored vehicles, and called him a stupid, lazy, American wetback economy-wrecker when he tried to explain he was just trying to get to Canada for a job. Then they beat the crap out of him.

Just kidding. After a nervous walk through a forest of thorns, Whitey reached the great white north, skateboarded to the first sign of civilization (which of course was a golf-course driving range), called his ride on his cellular, hit a large bucket of balls, and was off to work for the boys.

Two guys walk into a bar. You think one of them would've ducked. Hah! Chris! Don't know your last name, but the one who wrote us the "Skoal Bandits" letter via Internet: if "She liked younger men. The younger the better was her motto," was really the end of your story ... you are a sick little monkey, Chris. Sick. No free snowboard for you. Nice try, though.