February 1, 1999

Tiny Fibs

This month's Tiny column has been ghostwritten by a number of lovely and helpful non-TransWorld employees. This way we thought we could fulfill our dream of writing for Blunt (RIP) by printing gossip and inflammatory trash without assuming any personal responsibility, or doing any of the work. Unfortunately everyone we asked was too willowy to kick down anything harsh. But, hey-we tried to start something. Some of what you'll read is true, most of it is based on truth, and the rest is complete bullshit. In any case, rest assured that nothing will be shocking-yay to the "new generation" of pros. Carry on.

After riding two meters of new snow in the steep steeps of Breckenridge, Colorado (where the Vans/G-Shock Triple Crown of Snowboarding began December 3—6 with the Mountain Dew Classic, will continue on to Austria in February, and will wrap up on March 4—7 at Sierra-at-Tahoe, California), Daniel Franck decided quit hucking for dollars in the pipe, and turn all his efforts to extreme riding. Speaking of extreme, Andrew Crawford just installed a blower in his 1984 Chevy (four-banger) Nova to help him get to the airport more quickly. In fact, he just got back from the airport with Josh Dirksen from a Morrow team photo shoot in Europe. Dirksen finally got himself a new car, and tied a brick to the gas pedal of his old Subaru which now resides underneath a bridge in the Deschutes River. Speaking of photo shoots, check out Andrew Crawford's Morrow ad in the November issue of TransWorld. A 50-foot backside 360-stomped ... or a sequence that fades into a gray area? You be the judge. After watching Decade, Shane Charlebois and Andrew Crawford decided it wasn't fair that the Farmington crew had all the fun on handrails. They went and found the steepest 30-step rail in the area and pulled it off like champs. Or so they claim.

Speaking of claiming, is there such a thing as a reverse pro ho-someone who claims pro status at bars to pick up chicks? Well, if there is, someone needs to give an award out to Cody Dresser. Rumor has it Cody likes to run three to four girlfriends at the same time, with a prerequisite that each one take him on an all-expense-paid drinking trip to some exotic island. There also needs to be an honorable mention to the pro who has all the skills, but still gets no thrills-'cause Bobby Meeks has no game at all. Maybe we should have a "win a date with Bobb-o" contest to help him out. Only girls sixteen and under need enter, please. Bobby is getting his life back together after surgery-he was recently seen at Macy's modeling Speedos. Best of luck in your modeling career, Bob.

Speaking of career moves, Snowbird reduced their season-pass price by 1,000 dollars. Now all you need is a nickname like Resin or Shrednar, and you too can be a Bird loc. While you're there look up Bjorn Leines. He'll be happy to show you around and tell you how good he is, I mean it is. Jibber Jeremy Jones bought a new Hummer with the signing bonus he got from Alphanumeric. Janna Meyen is back and riding for Burton, head to toe. She suffered a broken femur last year but is alive and well and living in Lake Tahoe, California with boyfriend Jason Toth. Nicolas Droz, a.k.a. "the ladies' choice," is now riding for Sims. Athena quit riding professionally and has moved to Summerland, California so she can live close to a "secret" nude beach. Jussi Oksanen, a.k.a. the "Flying Finn," signed with Dub and was awarded Snowboarder of the Year in Finland. Shortly before this stunning announcement from Jussi's board sponsor, Ami Voutilainen contracted a mysterious injury he claims is from a handrail slide gone bad. Damn those metal pipes.

Speaking of pipes, Derek Kettela won't talk about the stripper he got for his birthday (or the piñata and the three-foot-long sausage incident at Mike Basich's house party), Kevin Sansalone thinks the Burton Jason Brown has a cute ass, and J2 finally realized that Colorado is flat. 2s will be renting out a room at Blotto and E. Stone's this winter-welcome to Utah, Rasmus. Speaking of the Burton Jason Brown, at the premiere of Decade in SLC, the Burton Jason Brown got on stage and mimicked his part as it played on the big screen. The crowd was so delighted, they began chanting "Seven ... Seven ... Seven." He ended with a great big bow. Word at Milosport the next day was something about either he goes or we go, so Jason is moving himself to Vancouver this winter. Did someone say fifteen?

Speaking of performances, Brad Scheuffele was jumped in his house last October by three assailants wearing masks-like the ones in Scream. Brad took out the biggest guy by stabbing him with his cordless phone, only to find he'd horribly maimed his good buddy, J.P. Walker. An elaborate scheme that began with Brad's roommate Andy Wright unlocking the back door to the house for J.P. and the other two jokers, Jeremy Jones and Mikey LeBlanc, has turned into a horrible inter-bro-posse feud. Someone could have been killed. The night of terror continued with the sacrifice of Ali Goulet's pet dog.

Speaking of Goulet's, Greg Goulet caught the longest wave in history in Santa Barbara on November 14. After riding the distance of 150 Ingemar Airs, he was congratulated by Kelly Slater, who was watching from the beach. Speaking of surfing, my other magazine is a surfboard. TransWorld Media, (a subsidiary of Times Mirror Magazines), has decided to throw their proverbial hat into the ring of surfing. Yes, a surf magazine. A contest to come up with the title for the new mag produced office favorites like: Surf Machine, Anthem, Water Squatter, and Titanic. But in the end, the new surf mag, which will focus on the younger side of the sport, will be titled the obvious: TransWorld Surf. Other titles currently being sought to expand X-treme market share include Skysurfer's Journal and SoapShoe Monthly.

Speaking of So Cal, Wolf Creek, Colorado won the early season powder award this year-opening with a whopping 700 meters of snow in early November. While pros and protographers jibbed it up at Mammoth's early-season shred-tube, the other half of the snowboard industry strapped on Wolf Creek's complimentary masks and snorkels and whooped it up. While there, Lance Pitman hooked up an inhaler sponsorship, and Brodi Dowell was spotted nose-wheelieing the world's longest rainbow slide. Besides holding the record for the most years being held in a team's amateur ranks, Brodi also holds the record for most camper crushes on a Mt. Hood digger. Speaking of summer camp, the biggest lie around Government Camp is about the hardworking digger. Even though they desperately want to be known as diggers, they're really just rakers and salters.

Speaking of diggers, Josh Roberts is ready to ride again. After his twelfth knee surgery, the doctors just decided to install two bionic knees. Josh won't be taking shit from flat landings any more. Speaking of flat landings, Stevie Alters has left Colorado. Word on the streets of Vail has Stevie happily married somewhere in Arkansas, where he attends business school and trades stocks daily over the Internet. On the subject of Colorado, Adam Merriman and Joe Curtes both got the boot from the Vail snowboard team somewhere around the same time of the Two Elks Lodge fire. Hmmm. Meanwhile, the pink injun has been recognized as the almighty ruler, while the blue pilgrim still goes unknown.

Speaking of blue, last we heard, Blue Montgomery was living in Mexico with his father and a Mexican family, trying to break down the walls of communication. I'm willing to bet the only thing that broke were a couple of bottles of Corona. Speaking of breaking, Devun "Crazy Legs" Walsh, has been putting time in at the gym so his drinking binges won't affect his snowboarding and dancing abilities. Kevin Zacher is hiring out his photo expertise to drunken girls' after-parties-word is, drunken girls love to take their clothes off. Rumor has it that Zacher's work is in high demand in the Salt Lake area. On the subject of brotographers, Nate Christianson claims that this year he is finally going to learn how to use his camera, and Whitey has been spotted running around with the long hair of a hippie-a couple of months in Oregon will turn any punk rocker into a tree hugger. Speaking of Utah, the most frequently asked question in SLC? Where's that damn Mexican, Marc Frank? He's been humming that song, "I don't want to be a player no more." Mr. Montoya's player's license has been revoked.

Speaking of endings, the Tiny wage slaves would like to thank the following people, in no certain order, for doing our job for us this month: Dave England, Jesse Jackson, Steve Astephen, Celine Dionne Delesalle, Jason Gerardi, Kilgore Trout, Jason McAlister, Tim Wrisley, Travis Wood (of course), Brad Scheuffele, Chad DiNenna, Larry Flint, Ethan Fortier, Huxtable McDermott, Ami Voutilainen, Randall T. White, Marcus Egge, Keijo Leppälä, Ted Kazinski, Ross Peterson, and some other people who were too puss to list their names here.

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Seriously, though. Instead pissing away your cash on weed, alcohol, and/or useless trinkets for your chick this winter, please take that money and invest it in some kind of avalanche/mountain safety course. We really don't want to have to start running a monthly Tiny Obituary column. The season's first avalanche in Utah was triggered by some unsuspecting East Coast vacationers, including snowboarder Jeff Clement, who was killed in the incident. His death is our loss, and he will be missed by all. Our condolences go out to Jeff's family and friends.