January 1, 1999

Tiny Imaginations

With a snowboard strapped to his backpack, and a transceiver beeping securely against his chest, Biff stepped across the out-of-bounds line and took a deep breath of the crisp, morning air. He tried to imagine what his life had been like in the past-before he'd seen that press release one fateful morning: "BRAIN GUM contains PS (phosphatidylserine), and by chewing BRAIN GUM you can improve the performance of your brain," it read. At first he'd been skeptical, but upon learning that "Over 35 clinical studies show that PS can improve your concentration, increase memory, recall and learning." he dialed 1-888-IQ-BOOST and placed his order. After all, how could 35 clinical studies be wrong?

"And I used to think football was everything." laughed Biff, pausing to survey the mountains surrounding him. Endowed now with superhuman thought, he was privy to knowledge dating back to when aliens built the pyramids. You could say he was one of the most intelligent beings on the planet-definitely smart enough to know better than to hike into the backcountry unprepared. In fact, today he was equipped with his very own customized United States Geological Survey Topographic map, which he'd gotten earlier off Seattle-based REI's Web site: www.rei.com. For an introductory price of only $3.99 he was able to download software that enabled him to build a topographic map specific to the area he wanted to explore. Luckily he was interested in the Tahoe backcountry, as only Washington, Oregon, and California were available at the time, but he'd been assured by REI that sites covering the entire country would be available this year.

Biff's appraising eyes finally settled on an intriguing cliff-band on a ridge opposite him. "That looks like the line Karleen Jeffrey won the New Zealand Extremes riding last summer." he reflected, thinking back to the legendary contest where the Queen of the Hill and Mt. Baker Banked Slalom champ stepped into a pair of skis after winning the snowboard competition, and placed second in the extreme ski division. Then she went home and got dropped by her sponsor. Go figure.

"Some things even the hyper-intelligent can't understand." mused Biff. "Why is The Gap willing to pay 50,000 dollars to sponsor a Rollerblader™, but not a snowboarder? Why are they willing to pay 50,000 dollars to a Rollerblader™, period? Could Seven turn out to be a more powerful number than Eight? When will this mystery finally be resolved? Why does Erik Leines insist on wearing the new Oakley "Shoe" even after receiving rations of shit because they look like those Mexican finger-f-k things? And how could legend, Noah Salasnek, not have a board sponsor right now? Hasn't anyone seen the man ride before? Are snowboard marketing homies idgits, or are they blind? Maybe these are puzzles not meant to be solved."

"Ah well," Biff sighed, resuming his hike. "At least there are people like Steve Astephen around to help kids out." After years of explaining wrecked rental cars, hotel rooms, finding sponsors and performing many other thoughtful tasks for athletes at Lamar and elsewhere, Steve decided to go into sports consulting full-time. His new crew, consisting of riders Kevin Jones, Jim Rippey, Jussi Oksanen, Marcus Egge, Blaise Rosenthal, and others, is called The Familie, and his job is to watch their backs.

"A good man," smiled Biff, "but I'm being silly. Just because Lukas Huffman spent his summer cleaning toilets, Dave Sypniewski was forced to take a job at TransWorld, and instead of riding in the Southern Hemi, J2 learned Spanglish from his landscaping coworkers at his new job-it's not as if everyone is losing their sponsors. Why, Jeremy ‘the handrail ninja' Jones just signed with Alphanumeric and DC. Blaise Rosenthal and Chad Otterstrom are riding for MLY and Flux bindings. Ali Goulet, Blue Montgomery, Megan Pischke, Erich Rehbein, Nick Francke, Ethan Fortier, Blotto, Jay Rehbein, and Josh Roberts are riding for Technine. Limited has signed Jeff Bilo, Guilliana Rende, Etienne Tremblay, Josh Roberts and Emanuel Krebs. Dylan Farr has signed with Elan, Reef, and JNCO-under the condition that they start making jeans that fit. Lukas and Jesse Huffman actually both just signed to Nitro, along with Casey Savage and Mark Reilly. Devun Walsh is promoting longtime snowboard-accessory-makers Bakoda as their first team rider. And former Queen of the Hill ruler Julie Zell has found a home in the Nike flock. I suppose that's all good."

Lost in thought, Biff failed to notice the giant mountain lion crouched silently in the rocks above him. Hungry, freezing, and stuck on a barren, snowy ledge in the middle of winter for no reason other than the passing literary whim of a bored Tiny Type writer, the lion was beyond pissed. "Damn creative liberties!" the lion growled as it pounced on poor, unsuspecting Biff, ripping his still-beating heart from his chest with its massive feline jaws ...

***

"I ... I can't believe he's dead." sniffed Buffy, as they lowered the casket containing the remains of Biff's mangled body into the earth. Buffy and Biff had fallen in love a year earlier at one of High Cascade's Adult Snowboard Camps. In fact, they were going to attend one of the '98/99 sessions to celebrate their upcoming one-year anniversary. Just last week Buffy had called 1-800-334-4272, faxed (541) 389-6371, and e-mailed High Cascade at: [email protected] for information. Two adult camps were being offered in the winter (one in December, one in February) and two in the spring during the last two weeks of April-all at Mt. Bachelor, Oregon. Plus, two camps were being held during August at Mt. Hood. Buffy was just waiting for Biff to return home so they could decide which one to go to together.

"Not that we needed to go to any stupid camp, anyway," thought Buffy bitterly, brushing away her tears. Chewing BRAIN GUM had not only given Biff god-like intelligence, it'd allowed him to tap into the part of the brain that controlled athleticism. Endowed with near superhuman snowboarding abilities, he rode almost as well as Terje did back in the Subjekt: Haakonsen days. Buffy didn't need the gum, as she is a midget, and blessed at birth with what we call natural talent. Together they were going to enter the Swatch Boardercross World Tour and dominate. With a cash purse offering of 50,000 dollars for boardercross and 30,000 for big air, their plan was to win all the events-the one in Bear Mountain, California, February 4—7; at Copper Mountain, Colorado, February 18—21; somewhere in Utah, March 11—14; and the final in LAAX, Switzerland, April 8—11-take the prize money, and run away to a small island off the coast of Greece. She actually wasn't sure what the women's purse was supposed to be for the events. She'd meant to call the contest promoters at (604) 924-0515 or fax them at (604) 924-0301 and find that out.

They'd also toyed around with entering the Kokanee Kross Grand Nationals Tour up in Canada-just for kicks, as the cash purse was only 10,000 dollars, and only for boardercross (no big air). Those were going on at Mt. Seymour, Vancouver, January 23—24; in Banff, February 27—28; Horseshoe Resort, Barrie, Ontario, March 20—21; with the championships to be held at Blackcomb, Whistler, April 8—10 for a total purse of 25,000 dollars.

That was all in the past now, though. Buffy simply couldn't imagine a life of snowboarding without Biff in it. "Oh, gawd!" she cried, sinking to the ground in despair. "We were even going to enter the 50,000-dollar big-air contest at the Glissexpo festival of skateboarders, in-line skaters, and BMXers at Disneyland Paris January 30th! He was going to dress up like Mickey Mouse, and I ... I was going to be Cinderella! And the USSA Grand Prix at Mt. Bachelor, Oregon, December 17—19; Copper Mountain, Colorado, January 7—10; and Sunday River, Maine February 24—28-now we can't even watch the Grand Prix broadcasts on NBC December 20 at 3:30 p.m., or ESPN February 4 at midnight, or even on CBS April 3 at 1:00 p.m. together! All my dreams are dead!"

Whimpering in a fetal position at the foot of Biff's grave, Buffy gnawed on her fingertips and tried to figure out how her life had turned into such complete shit. First, she'd lost her job at Rusty because they'd decided to quit making snowboards and wakeboards and focus instead on surfboards and apparel. There were rumors that they still planned on fielding a snowboard team, but the news did little to help her. She'd called her former employer, Billabong, only to find out that Bob Hurley, the man responsible for building the bong here in the States, had left to produce his own line of clothes and outerwear under the name Hurley. And now her boyfriend was dead-and her good friend Lindsy Lozano wasn't even around to talk to because she'd packed up and moved with her boyfriend Todd Richards to Encinitas, California. When Todd wasn't skating at the YMCA, he and Lindsy were surfing, buying furniture for their new place, or organizing surf-offs with Todd's half-tube rival, Jimi Scott-the last thing she wanted to do was call up and spoil their fun with her problems.

"Maybe I should take up fly-fishing. All the mellow, well-adjusted people seem to be into that these days. Well, except that guy Kevin Jones, who thinks he's such a big shot, just because he caught an eighteen-pound trout on the Truckee River-or so he claims." Buffy schemed melodramatically, "If I got Marcus Egge or Travis Parker to teach me how to fly-fish, I bet I could catch a way bigger trout than Kevin. Yeah ... "

Through the haze of her misery, Buffy became vaguely aware someone was calling her name. "Hey, Buffy! Dude, are you all right, man?" Slowly Buffy opened her eyes to find her friend Fred the Deadhead looming over her. "Whoa, kind sister," said Fred. "You look like you need a change of pace. Me and Sunshine and our two dogs, Kaya and Patagonia, are moving up to Jackson Hole. Why don't you come with us? We'll teach you how to telemark!"

"But flying to Jackson Hole is so expensive!" whined Buffy. "How will we get there?"

"Well, we were going to drive up there in our Land Rover because we heard that Delta isn't even flying into Jackson anymore. But the Jackson Hole Express just announced that it's increased its ground transportation between Jackson and Salt Lake City, Utah and Idaho Falls, Idaho by 800 percent. So we're going to call 1-800-652-9510 or visit the Web site: www.jacksonholebus.com and book a shuttle from the Salt Lake airport."

"Gee, that sounds great!" exclaimed Buffy. And soon after they found themselves on an express shuttle to Jackson Hole. Unfortunately, their bus never made it. After four and a half hours of listening to Fred's boom box bump Phish bootlegs at max volume, the bus driver-a part-time employee who'd gotten the job as part of the local psychiatric hospital's ten-step reentry program-drove the bus off a cliff into the Snake River.

****Jamie - this is to be a completely separated box of tiny type.

On a serious note: our not so tiny condolences go out to the family of seventeen-year-old Tyler "T.C." Andrews, who took his life on September 21st. T.C. spent the last few seasons back east at Carabassett Valley Academy in Maine and Stratton Mountain School in Vermont. His death is a horrible blow to the riding community. A memorial fund to build a skateboard park in his hometown has been

established by his family. Sympathetic parties can send donations to: Hailey Skateboard Park, In memory of T.C. Andrews, First Security Bank, P.O. Box 727, Hailey, ID 83333.