February 1, 1999
By Like You Don't Know
In keeping with the Interview Issue's all-Starr lineup, who could we turn to but the Patron Saint of Interns, Miss Monica Lewinsky. On your knees, snowboard scum-you aren't fit to have licked the electronic stamp on the letters this young, demure (for her size), Oregonian graciously agreed to answer at a Pentagon luncheon, via Linda Tripp's concealed (we prefer not knowing where) wire:
First of all, pick a name so I know who to address the insult to, Shitty Interns, The Dead Angry Interns, The New Improved Angry Interns. You change your names as fast as you change your style-jumping on the next new trend. All I've got to say (in the words of the Beasties) is you got some D-double-O D-double-O style. Me and my homeboys Todd R. and Jake L. are gonna go play some B-Ball.
Josh Haske, Skandia, Michigan.
Monica: "But think about the truth okay? Think about truth. Truth is synonymous with good. Truth is supposed to be good ... okay? ... This is how I have looked at it, and this is from my Christian Scientist [upbringing], from talking to this woman, and I have talked to her and I've said, ‘Well, what about'-I said, ‘If truth is synonymous with good, then truth is good and good is God, okay? If all those things are synonymous, then the right thing to do is not hurt someone.' That's true ... So the truth well,what is truth? I mean, I'm not trying to have an existential conversation with you."
Angry Interns™ 1—3 [in unison]: Could've fooled us!
Wussappenin'? Man, I'm really jonesin' for a powder fix. Anyone seen that Al Niño cat? He had the ripper last year! I couldn't believe how many powder days I had last year. I guess I would be considered a sellout amongst the hardcore since I wear a suit and tie, work nine to five, and I'm only 25. I only got 28 days in last year, but that was enough for me to be breakin' out in cold sweats, nauseated, and aching for a hit, man, just one hit. I'm wakeboarding my ass off but I find myself cursing that damn rope. I really would like to find a way to incorporate thong bikinis into snowboarding. Any ideas?
Josh Trayner
A.I.™ 2: Shall we defer to our guest?
A.I.™ 3: We're just tickled as punch you could be here and bow to the Buddha in you in general, oh holy one.
Monica: "We do. But to everybody it's different. Do you see what I mean? Okay."
[long pause]
A.I.™ 3: It is our belief her Intern™ savant-ness was speaking rhetorically, that we all have our own moral code regarding whether thongs and snow sports mix.
Hey step-ins piss me off to no end. What a cheap lousy marketing scheme to suck all our money-for what? All I want to say is BOYCOTT STEP-INS. THEY SUCK!
Mike
A.I.™ 3: Boycott partisan politics!
A.I.™ 1 (to 3): Can you tone down the hero worship?
A.I.™ 3: Infidel! Unfit for office!
A.I.™ 1: I'm just interested in getting a straight answer to a letter.
Monica: "The truth is-the truth is-what it should be. God is synonymous with good, truth and kindness and happiness and all sorts of good things."
Jerry Springer: Am I in this scene?
A.I.™ 1—3: [in unison] No!
So I was cruisin' down the mountain, going about 600 to 700 mph, and out of nowhere comes this girl on a pair of skis! I had no time to move, or stop, or pray, so I stood there, and took it like a rat! We flew in the air for about two-and-a-half minutes. I ended up face down and in the perfect spot to break her fall. Then she gets up and yells at me, because she was fine, as in, not injured.
Then she picks up her skis, and rides away. I laid there with a broken leg, for a long, long time, mostly crying and wondering how much chiropractors cost, until finally someone found me! The lesson of this story is to always lock your board up when you go in the lodge! My friend's board got stolen that way!
Sensorially, Chris Smith
Seattle, Washington
A.I.™ 2: Was that sensorially or nonsensically?
Monica: "Like, hel-lo?"
A.I.™ 3: Exactly-censorship not impeachment. Why are we allowing morality to be dictated by public policy?
A.I.™ 1: Or confusing American politics with snowboarding?
A.I.™ 3: Shut up, damn you!
Monica: "Da, da, da."
A.I.™ 1—3: [in unison] What?
Jerry Springer: What is this shiksa? Communist?
A.I.™ 2: I think she's referencing the early 80s song by Trio.
Monica: "Blah, blah, blah."
This is Pam. Did you miss me? Have you looked at the
fun things I have for you at my Web site? ADULTS ONLY now.
Come take a look. I hope you like it.
Love, Pam
A.I.™ 1: I don't know where she came from but I likes, I likes!
Jerry Springer: Is this still the SNOWboarding Interview Issue?
Monica: "The me issue."
This is a response to the e-mail you published in the last issue [November] from [email protected]: On the contrary, snowboarding isn't for losers, who can play basketball. Snowboarding is a sport for people who are smart enough to stay out of sports that include excessive sweating, slaps on the ass from "coach," single-sex group showers (with more slaps on the ass) and mindless devotion to the school spirit. Also, jocks don't kick snowboarders' asses, we kick your ass. The Interns™ kick everyone's asses!
Ed Templeton
Monica: "There are three kinds of people in this administration: peons, peons who know stuff, and FOBs. Okay, maybe not peons who know stuff. In between. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I'm saying now?"
A.I.™ 3: [coldly] Yeah, you called us peons.
A.I.™ 2: I thought we were talking about jocks and snowboarders.
A.I.™ 1: What's the difference? Naw, we were talking about kicking ass!
Monica: "If you're a low-level peon, what am I?"
A.I™ 3: Now it's low-level peon. I see. Okay.
A.I™ 2: We give up. What are we?
A.I.™ 1: [to A.I.™ 2] You are such an idiot. C'mere!
[They grapple]
Monica: "If I'm a player, you're a player."
A.I.™ 2: Oh- player! Right.
Significant voter fraud, even unethical and criminal tactics, have been revealed in California's 46th District. When blacks voted Republican (before President Roosevelt) they had relatively low crime rates. Crime was not at epidemic proportions in that time. The roots of crime is a liberal government-policy favoring criminals and arbitrary laws that drive people crazy. Our jails are now overfilled with people of all colors because Democratic policy is in the majority. Without high crime, "liberal" policy cannot flourish. To lower our crime rates we must change our political affiliation! If you thought the first Clinton term was anti-family, just imagine what Clinton may do if he gets a Democratic Congress! We have the power to strip away their core support if we understand.
Richard Moss
A.I™ 1: We understand all right-a lying, Republican "Dick" gathers no moss.
A.I.™ 2: You must've run up against-no pun intended-all kinds of extremist nuts like this, eh, Miss Lewinsky?
A.I.™ 3: Or do you prefer "Bill's bee-yatch?"
Monica: "She keeps saying ‘Mary Jo Chappaquiddick' or whatever her name was."
A.I.™ 3: Who "keeps saying" you poor, brainless dear?
A.I.™ 2: Can't you read? Her mother.
Jerry Springer: Whatever her name was.
Adults only! School4girls presents: You might think they are shy! They are not.
A.I.™ 1: Like our buddy Bill would say if he were here: Thank god for small favors ... and Interns™! [He gives Jerry a high-five. They laugh maniacally. Intern™ 3 throws arms up, sighs, exits.]
Jerry Springer: [blushing] Cigar?
[Intern™ 2 looks at them with disgust, exits. A.I.™ 1 and Jerry follow, smoking.]
Monica: [Addressing middle space] "To me, a little bit of-it's for the country. Every president we ever had has always had lovers because the pressure of the job is too much. Too much ... too much, to always rely on your wife, with whom you have too much baggage-which you inevitably will if you got to that point ... Would you agree with me on that? [Rummaging through the letters she finds a cold plate of fries. She looks around.] Can we get some ketchup and mustard?
Pay homage to the Immaculate Mother of Interns™ c/o 353 Airport Road, Oceanside, CA 92054. FAX: (760) 722-0653, e-mail: <[email protected]> We'd still be Grateful for a ride to the Bay Area, if anyone's going.
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