Tiny Brains

There once was a dude from Venus. He had a big head-thought he was the keenest. Met this girl, she was from Carolina-had a big ... bowl of beans; they were lima. She was decked in some clothes made by Stüssy. He talked loud, but she called him a wussy. The truth hurts, so he got kind of whiny. Welcome to this month's edition of Tiny.

Even though we're "the world's number-one snowboard magazine" (says it on the cover-must be true), we pretty much suck at covering the scene overseas. So until we get our act together, Onboard magazine is getting a not-so-tiny power plug. The folks at Onboard are tapped into the European snowboard community (as well they should be-that's where they're based), and mostly just pumped on riding in general. So if you want to know what's going on outside the U.S. and Canada, visit their Web site (be patient, it's a little slow) at: www.onboardmag.com-which just happens to be where the next few paragraphs of Tiny were ripped off from:

"Darius Heristchien decided not to return to the Alps after London's Board X contest. He was busy tasting haggis north of the boarder in Scotland. Other reports from that way suggest that Scotland is getting dumped on-particularly in the west, Glen Shee and Ben Nevis region. [Tiny disclaimer: If all this stuff is spelled wrong, it's Onboard's fault, not ours, 'cause they wrote it, and we're too lazy to fact check.-tiny ed.] Impressive riding from several of the Scottish snowboarders at Board X makes you wonder what would come out of that area if the snow were more consistent up there. Runar Omarsson, owner of the Missing Link snowboard store in Reykjavik, Iceland, would like to remind everyone that there is snow and snowboarding on the island. In fact, it is quite a 'core scene over there. Considering how cold it must be, we're not surprised. You can contact Runar and the boys at Missing Link via e-mail to: [email protected]

"Johan Olofsson was lucky to get away without serious injury [he always is] while riding a line at Hintertux. He struck a rock that sent him over the bars-narrowly clearing a rock garden below. He struck the rock so hard it pierced his board through to the topsheet. Ingemar suffered a slight injury days before the Innsbruck Air & Style. While skating down a five-meter [that's about fifteen feet, ya ignorant Americans] hall in Little Sweden, full beer in his hand, he hooked up [his skate wheels]. He had a hard fall on his knee and head-butted the wall, but was proud to report that not a drop of beer was lost. Meanwhile in Salem, Sweden, the Norwegian hit squad-Terje and Daniel Franck-snaked an FIS practice. Terje reported doing a full handplant run.

"The date for the Megastar Contest in Gothenburg, Sweden has been changed to February 27. The quarterpipe is being built bigger this year, meaning the six-meter air [again, you non-metric-using Seppos-that's roughly eighteen feet] from Terje last year will probably be overshadowed. The Grandslam of Snowboarding (total cash purse-175,000 dollars) will be held in Davos, Switzerland this season March 30 through April 4."

All right, that's it for the Euros, except this one thing-also from Onboard, just paraphrased-Russia opened their first real snowboard park on December 12 in a small town called Jahroma, near Moskva (Moscow). The park includes a halfpipe and boardercross course as well as a park, and goes along with the creation of a Russian Snowboarding Association, which you can check out at www.snrb.actis.ru. The site's written in Russian, though.

It's impressive how we shamelessly use other people to get this column written each month, we know. But now you're all a little more cultured, and Onboard's gotten some free hype, so we all win.

This goes out to all you Americans out there-or anyone else who comes from a country whose currency dwarfs the current diminutive size of the Canadian dollar: due to the exchange rate making every one U.S. dollar equal two Canadian dollars, a Canuck travel agency is offering some pretty insane snowboard vacation deals. Of course there're all kinds of restrictions-fine print and shit, but all you East Coasters who bitch constantly about not being able to afford to ride powder (but are too stubborn to move out west and change your situation) should definitely check it out. Call 1-888-475-4226, fax (416) 488-7620, or e-mail [email protected] for a detailed brochure, or visit www.skican.com

And now for the testosterone report. Congratulations to all the ruling male snowboarders who hooked up sponsors this month (attention industry dudehams: this is an equal-opportunity dis, not intended to single any one company out, because that would be impossible-please don't call.): Erich Rehbein, Nick Franke, Doug Byrnes, Eric Kovall all ride for MIA now. Dave Cashen rides for their B team for now, but he'll be moving up soon enough. ASS Industries is proud to introduce Blaise Rosenthal, Joni Makinen, and Todd Richards to its professional hardware team. Kevin Young now rides for Atlantis. Just when we announced that Kevin Jones will be riding for Hurley, he ends up riding for Billabong-that's magazine lag time for you. He's joined by new teammates, Noah Salasnek and Jussi Oksanen. Now that jibbing is dead, it's rumored that K2 will be re-signing Farmer. Chris Brown of Shorty's fame is riding for Burton, and Marc Frank Montoya is now riding all Burton softgoods gear-they're like his clothing sponsor or some shit.

If you buy a Toyota RAV 4, they'll throw in a free MLY snowboard. Of course, then you have to drive a RAV 4, but maybe it's worth it. That's not for us to judge, really. Chris Englesman bought a new motorcycle and has been competing in the semi-pro heats in Utah. Anybody see Ranquet and Billy Anderson in a Sprite commercial lately? Axel Pauporté got a tattoo of dice on fire on his arm. Tina Dixon had surgery to remove a small chipped bone from her foot. She'll be up and riding again before this magazine hits the newsstand. Congratulations go out to Shannon Dunn and Dave Downing who are finally getting hitched, as well as Wendy Powell-who by this time could already be married to her boyfriend, Josh. Yes, it's now officially true that just about every pro has one-Jeff Brushie is getting a Summit 670 snowmobile. This month's other proud new members of the Snowmachine Owners Association are Justin Mooney, Shin Campos, and Lance Pitman, and guys with dreadlocks who talk like Bryant Gumble can't be rednecks-sorry, Stan Evans.

This just in via fax: "As part of an ongoing endeavor to reach the next generation of skiers and snowboarders [or their wallets], the National Ski Areas Association has developed SNOWBLAST, a ‘grassroots' [cough, cough] marketing campaign to promote snowboarding and skiing ['cause snowboarding is a virtually unknown sport]. The program has some exciting promtional programs, including the Levi's/Sno Core Tour, a touring music festival targeted at the ten- to 23-year-old market." So there you have it. You're all marketing statistics. If you visit www.snowblast.com you can cash in on a bunch of free promotional giveaways, though. You might as well, 'cause lord knows they're all cashing in on you. We assume they'll post the lists of bands that will be playing at "the most anticipated alternative music event of the winter" there, too. They didn't bother telling us.

Is this sounding too bitter? Sorry, it's just snowing, and we're still in So Cal, and ... sometimes we just kind of FREAK OUT A LITTLE! Whoa, sorry again. Uh, Whistler and Mt. Baker tied for the early season Snorkel Award™ this season, beating out Wolf Creek for biggest frenzy created by an early season dump. Wolf Creek had a strong lead going into November, but couldn't keep up the pace through the December thaw.

After you hear about the epic conditions in Northern Arizona, you'd better stop in at AZP on Route 66. They'll let you know all the secret jibs in the outer basin and give ya current snow conditions. AZP, the Tempe location, is displaying three sizable photographs on the east side of their complex-featuring a different artist and image every month. You can see the works at www.azp.com. Technine's Binding Squad in Flagstaff, Arizona is busy at their private testing area. Irion, Short, Funky, and Drake have been spotted displaying ninjistic moves high atop the San Francisco Peaks. A brand new company going by the name of Befour is making waves through Arizona's lakes and cutting through the feather-light powder. Last but not least on the Arizona report: the world welcomes Madison Grace Gray into this world.

The 1999 Stimilon Air and Style Challenge will be taking place (or already took place, depending on when you read this) January 16 at Sunapee, New Hampshire; January 23 at Wachusett, Massachusetts; February 6 at Waterville Valley, New Hampshire; February 20 at Loon, New Hampshire; and March 13 at Stratton, Vermont. For more information call (802) 879-8800 or visit their Web site at www.stimilon.com

Mt. Hood Snowboard Camp is offering spring-break camps during the month of March, and two adult camps from the end of May to the middle of June. Their summer camps start June 13 and run until August 24. Call (503) 668-8322, FAX (503) 668-7986, e-mail [email protected], or visit www.snowboardcamp.com for more information.

All the French Canadians [J.F. et al] dressed up as women for Halloween, and if you think Tiny is boring this month, I didn't hear your voice on the other end of my phone line telling me anything interesting to print here, did I? No? So shut the hell up.

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