Welcome to the sophomore jinx edition of the Snowblower. (That means the second time for those who haven't finished high school). Don't mind us, we're heaving meaty slabs of rumor steak right up onto the spit just to watch 'em sizzle. Really, what else is there to do? We have all of what, three or four readers at this point?

Which reminds us: the Snowblower would like to send a big SOL shout out to all our friends at America Online headquarters for not letting us use our real keyword (which happens to be the word "snowboarding"), and for continuing to lag on the development of the Mac client version 3.0.

Sorry, didn't mean to bring you into our little battle with the men and women of Vienna, Virginia. Actually, we've heard some good news. Even though we're being forced to squelch off access to our site to anyone who doesn't know the secret keyword (asylum), we have noticed a few messages showing up in the SOL message boards. The boss man here at the ranch was pretty damn stoked to see it. Us, we couldn't care less we're just watching melted fat drip into the fire.

Speaking of melted fat, here's the latest episode of the Snowblower.

Enjoy.

MINDLESS QUOTES

"Too much is always better than not enough." --Bob Dobbs, founder of the Church of the SubGenius.

Which leads us to an old Steve Graham quote which Josh Brownlee probably never heard. "Too much speed is always better than not enough."

"You seem to have a knack for making the wrong mistakes." --a SOL staff member's sister in a surprising moment of clarity.

From our "Learning-Lingo-From-Must-See-TV" File comes the Friends line that middle aged snowboarders are quoting incessantly: "You don't even want to go there."

You're right, we don't.

SPONSORSHIP BLUES

Last issue we told you that Terje Haakonsen, star on the new Volcom/Dave Seoane movie Projekt Haakonsen, had signed back on with Burton even though Bonfire offered him an huge roll of bills, but we didn't know how big. Now we do. They offered him $500,000 a year. And he passed. What a badass uber bro. In the next issue we'll probably have another guess at the dollar amount since they seem to be popping up everywhere.

Jeff Brushie's Burton contract is up in August and he's already doing some comparison shopping with other clothing, board, boot, and binding companies (or his agent is). Burton apparently isn't worried because as always, they say they're interested in doing what's best for their riders. Yep.

While we're on the subject of Burton riders, Stevie Alters is also a free agent now after parting ways with Burton. Sources says he's still trying to figure out if he wants to be a pro snowboarder or not. Although word is that Rusty Snowboards would like to believe the former.

J.P. Martin, K2's longest standing team member was recently axed. Not only is J.P. one of the last remaining powder sluts of the universe, but he's fluent in Japanese. And that couldn't really hurt in this business could it?

ADVERTISING & MEDIA SLOP

A Japanese film company was at Mammoth Mountain May 1-2 shooting a television commercial for Vans Snowboard Boots. Dentsu and Producer Associates of Japan did the productions and local snowboarder Raylene Shirey got to get into the action with a couple professional models. We'd just like to travel back in time and buy some Vans stock at four and a quarter.

Then at June Mountain foofy clothing company Nautica worked a photo shoot with Mammoth shred boy Dustin Deljudice and Squaw Valley ripper Dylan Farr. Apparently the black-suited agency people wanted the models to "be rad snowboard dudes. You know, go wild like real snowboarders." Luckily the boys showed some class and rode hard and free and proud.

Tom Girl the super-neato girls shop in Breckenridge, Colorado has been getting media hits for being so FDS (feminine, down, and smart). Owners Minda and Keri have shown up in the pages of Elle <www.ellemag.com> and Paper <www.papermag.com>. And we're pretty sure there'll be more in the near future.

Michael Lucas, associate editor of TWSnowboarding is going under the knife the last week of May to have doctors remove one of his kidneys. Hey, who needs two? Apparently one is no longer functioning. That didn't seem to slow him down at the TWS Prom Saturday May 4, at the lovely Pea Soup Andersons, however. He was charging it like a madman. So was his date. Unfortunately, we didn't get any pictures of her when she was doing the serious flash-dancing (if you know what we mean).

In other magazine news: Plow, that bastion of Southern California snowboard core, is being sued by a boy who was featured on the Plowed page of their last issue wearing magic marker face pant and a big smooth rump log on his chest. Seems he passed out and his friends had their way with him. Now that he's sober (not that he was ever drunk of course) he's saying Plow defamed him and that they owe him money. Hopefully he doesn't have OJ's lawyers.

Some onliners may have noticed a few rather harsh comments from the address SNOBRDLIFE and TWSNOWBIZ in USENET's rec.skiing.snowboard can rest safety know that it was only TransWorld Snowboarding Magazine's Associate Publisher Fran Richards slumped in front of his keyboard at 3 a.m. after a night of serious drinking at T-Dub's Forever Young Prom. After getting home late from the party he decided to sign on and answer a few snowboard questions. Our favorite line from his post. . . well, we'll just let you look it up on Alta Vista.

THOSE WACKY SKIERS

At their bi-annual world congress in Christchurch, New Zealand May 6-10, the board of the FIS gave formal approval for ballet skiing to change it's name to "acro." Apparently the name ballet connotes women in tutus and feminine men in tight Lycra flopping around on a stage. Seems the macho, hardcore ballet skiers who flop around on the snow in tight suits and tutus don't want any attention brought to the fact that they are basically women in tutus and feminine men in tight Lycra flopping around on a stage. Go ahead and hide behind a new name. We know what you really are.

CROSS-M AT MAMMOTH

The entire Cross M Team is at Mammoth for the month of June training on snow that will probably last until August. July fourth party at Mammoth! Yes, they're training all day and then roping and branding cattle in the afternoons. That's what you get having a cowboy for a coach.

MEANWHILE BACK AT THE HOMEPAGE

Yee haw: Morrow put a new logo up on their home page <www.mrrw.com> right above the word's "Coming Soon." The only question we have is "How soon?"

Swag's whole new site should be up in the next few days at (www.swag.com). It includes new team riders, new product, and the scoop the Swag Ramp (a.k.a. The Gramp Ramp). We'll have old-school skate photos soon.

Of course, Burton's site hasn't change a bit (ha ha, get it?) since they put it up nearly a year ago. Hopefully, there will be something new soon. We're kind of jonesing for a look at the whole product line. www.burton.com.

And while we're on the subject of web pages, the SOL web page www.solsnowboarding.com should be up soon. That's all we're saying at this point. You know how those web designer are.

TAVERN TOURISTAS

Jack Coghlan, Team Manager for Ride Snowboards was in San Diego for the TWS Prom so T-dub marketing manager Tim Wrisley, Snowboarding Business editor John Stouffer, and a number of others took Mr. Coghlan out to Pizza Port and then to the Belly Up Tavern. "We got him tanked and he got thrown out of the BUT and then out of the Tidewater," said an inside source.

Apparently, that wasn't the end of the story as Dale Rehberg, Russell Winfield, and Jack all proceeded to get naked and jump in the pool in the backyard of Jeff Brushie's posh Del Mar pad. After dipping for a while they all posed for some penis pictures taken by Brush. A girl in the crowd had one thing to say. "I wish I had had my camera," she laughed. "It was ripe." Actually, we wish she had her camera, too.

POWDER LAUNCH

Jason Ford, Mark Gallup, Craig Kelly, and several other winter industry people recently became share-holders in the Island Lake Lodge partnership. Apparently, the owners needed a cash influx to stay alive. Not wanting to lose out on all the snow our guys kicked in. Does that mean it's a conflict of interest for pro photog Mark Gallup to shoot the mouth-wateringly juicy powder photos there? Nevermind, don't even get us started on conflict of interest vein. You don't even want to go there.

FIRST ANNUAL KRIS JAMIESON SNOWBOARD RODEO

Kris Jamieson got the tap from the new FOX TV show titled "Board Wild" to throw a snowboard event for the cameras. Kris had one week to pull it off and managed to score the KJ Snowboard Rodeo at Boreal Ridge Resort in California on April 20. Apparently, Kris was not only the organizer but the host for the TV show. He and producer Doug Allen got into a little disagreement of what the show was supposed to be.

Todd Richards didn't seem to mind. He rode away with the win and a shiny new belt buckle the size of a hubcap. Damn, think of the girls he could pick up in Cheyenne, Wyoming with that thing.

HORSE-HAZARD

While we're on the subject of Rodeos: Ton A Wawa Team Riders Andrew Murphy and Jill Preston took Trevor Graves, Billy Miller, and Noah Brandon to the Ton A Wawa ranch near Sumpter, Oregon. The 4,000 acre spread features 3,000 head of mad cattle (not really), and it's own snow-covered mountain range. Getting to the snow meant climbing on board some of eastern Oregon's most trusty horseflesh. It was a trying ordeal for the horses to go rampaging through the scrub brush carrying snowboards. Trevor's horse spent the entire day trying to brush him off by ducking under low-hang branches and rubbing up against rocks. Trevor, a horseman from way back, managed to calm the steed and taught it a whole new definition of the word respect better than Aretha every could have done it. And he even got the shots to prove it.

AUDIO-HAZARD

The New Biohazard Album, "Mata Leao" produced by Dave Jerden should be out soon. No one will ever know, but the album includes the singing talents of three snowboard people. Snowboarder Shin Campos, Luxury Snowboards owner Paul Culling and our own SOL producer Lee Crane sing back-up on two (yes, count them), two songs on the album. You can hear the threesome screaming in the background on "Authority" and again on "True Strength." But really, you should check the album out anyway, especially if you're into hard-driving, funky-thrash music that makes you want to ride, because quite honestly, it kicks booty.

US SNOWBOARD EVENTS FOR 1997

At a meeting in Park City the week of May 12, US Snowboard officials decided on dates for their three Grand Prix events. In typical FIS fashion they decided that the events will fall on one of the three following dates: Dec. 16-22, Jan. 1-6, Jan. 8-12, or Jan. 28-Feb. 2. We're not exactly sure how this fits into to the rest of the world schedule, but oh well.

And with that we'll wrap this baby up. Anyone want some freshly cooked beef? We got so into watching it crackle on the open fire that we completely forgot we're vegans. Damn.

THE END