EVENT OVERVIEWS:
Skynland Rebel Storms Games
by Jeff Galbraith
Nagano's winter games experienced its first international disruption last night when Hank Bjornsen, Jr., AKA "The Fjordian Lover" and lone athlete from the small principality of Skynlynd, leapt into the preliminary round of a men's hockey game between Austria and Italy. The ensuing brawl eventually cleared both benches and involved all referees. At the "Big Hat" stadium (or, "Bigo Hato" as the Japanese call it), the peacful spirit of Olympic participation was reduced to a bloody mess of ethnocentricity and littered beer cups.
After a bitter and violent falling out with his geisha wench, Soon-Yi, Bjornsen rapidly slammed nine cans of hot sake and began screeching, "I have the blood of a hundred generations of Skynlyndic pride running through my fists. Freebird! Freebird! Freebird!"
Also appearently angered at Skynlynd's exclusion from Nagano's hockey events, Bjornsen suddenly leapt over the retaining wall 17 minutes into the third period and took to the ice, charging directly towards the Italian goal. Within moments the Skynlyndic snow-wrestling champion was atop the Italian goalie Guido Tortellini beating him with his own stick and repeatedly screaming "Die chianti boy, die!"
Both teams and several French referees attempted to tackle and subdue Bjornsen, however, his winter grappling techniques proved to be too much as he managed tie up several players in a reverse tundra-chicken submission hold. Asphyxiating several of his combantants, Bjornsen quickly stepped over the scattered bodies and tore back up into the stands and the protective shield of a large contingent of Austrian hockeyheads known as the "Schnitzelators". Along with his Manchurian coach, Ree Kwain, Bjornsen and the Austrian fans burst out of a Big Hat emergency exit and into a busy thoroughfare Singing songs of Innsbruck and elklore, the posse pushed past Nagano police, as the officers vainly attempted to thwack down Bjornsen with wussy little traffic-director light sabres.
After a flight of several blocks, the group boarded the sanctity of an awaiting public bus, which had been previously car-jacked by Soon-Yi. As she drove them south towards Yomase and the Shiga Kogen snowboard venues, Bjornsen was seen by several shaken witnesses leaning out a side window, taunting the pursuing law officers with the old Skynlyndic war whoop, "Skyn to win, beeyootches!!"
Internet rumors that Bjornsen was actually part of a massive IOC conspiracy to unload a large shipment of wild-growth Kyoto marijuana supposedly marked for delivery to His Excellency Sammarach's executive suite at Nagano's Metropolitan Hotel, remain at Webtime, unverified.
OTHER OVERVIEWS
Getting to Nagano Tue. (Feb. 10 @ 12:45:PM est)
Olympics-Snowboarding-Austrian ace comes up trumps Fri. (Feb. 06 @ 2:43:PM est)
Nagano Olympics Combine Old and New Thu. (Feb. 05 @ 8:39:PM est)
The FIS/USSA Borg: We Have Been Assimilated Wed. (Feb. 04 @ 1:17:PM est)
Words to the Man: Sweet Home Nagano Wed. (Feb. 04 @ 1:15:PM est)
Mayor Defends Cost of Nagano Games Mon. (Feb. 02 @ 11:45:AM est)
Nagano Gets Ready for the World Fri. (Jan. 30 @ 12:26:PM est)
Fletcher, Klug, Taggart Clinch First Olympic Spots Wed. (Jan. 28 @ 12:56:AM est)
Michele Taggart Guaranteed Spot With Oregon Grand Prix Victory Tue. (Jan. 27 @ 5:35:PM est)
Mark Fawcett Heads for Nagano Mon. (Jan. 26 @ 4:20:PM est)
Olympic Halfpipe Judging Criteria Fri. (Jan. 23 @ 1:35:PM est)
Kanbayashi Snowboard Park - Olympic Halfpipe Venue Fri. (Jan. 23 @ 1:33:PM est)
Mt. Yakebitai - Olympic Snowboard GS Venue Fri. (Jan. 23 @ 1:32:PM est)
Snowboarding's First Olympic Venue Fri. (Jan. 23 @ 1:30:PM est)
The Twisting Road to Nagano Fri. (Jan. 23 @ 1:29:PM est)
First Animal, Now Bugs Bunny What Cartoon Animal Will Team USA Torture Us With Next? Wed. (Jan. 21 @ 1:09:PM est)
Muppet Debuts as Olympic Mascot Wed. (Jan. 21 @ 1:03:PM est)
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